nye

Apparently my life isnt worth anything more than cupcake corner blogging and the simpsons on New Years Eve... Way to send the Year out with a bang...

FML.

Letting it speak for itself

This is the Kat that is on Ambien. Drowsy and Extremely tired
I get some of my most brilliant ideas while on sleeping pills.
But they dont neccesarity come off as such.
I am totally obsessessed with ParaPhsycology. Like the idea that someone can track down spirits and listen to what they have to say. (I'm typing with one eye opened because I'm almost completly blind in my left eye) Anyway back to Dead people. Ive been watching Ghost Adventureres. On the Travel Channel. Its amazing. They actually show spirits and AV eqiupment picking up on weirdness that happens all around us. It kinda makes me paranoid,. Like I need those Glasses from 13 Ghosts to make me able to see everything that nots there around me. I know that someone died in the house I'm living in and I bet he is looking for his wife. But I cant see him so I have no idea if thats real or not. I want to go to the Stanley Hotel in Estes Park, CO.. To find Ghosts.. Maybe I can be a Ghost Hunter... Meh. Who knows. Im crazy.

Who ya gonna call?? GHOST BUSTER KAT! :)

What does

 A Straight Jacket

 A rubber Room

And this Scary looking Insane Asylum have in Common??

ME 

If I have to stay couped up in this house!!

Overwhelmed by....

Fear
Pain
Loss
Morality
senslessness
Anger
Heartache
Total Darkness
Noise


Wishing for...
Hope
Love
Happiness
Harmony
Light
Relief
Peace
Serenity
Silence


Maybe one day
Wishing It was today.
Tired of feeling lost

Remembering why.

Remember the Reason for this Season.. Christ.. Through his Grace anything is possible. He lives for me. He Forgives for me and he forgets all of my short comings.

Merry CHRISTmas Everyone..

Mark Twain... You Amaze me.

"Denial ain’t just a river in Egypt."
- Mark Twain (1835-1910)

The Brighter THe smile..

The lighter my heart.

There's nothing better in this world  than getting a smile when you feel  like the world is crushing on your head.

Especially when it comes from this little guy... 


(thanks beens for the picture.)

DO NOT ENTER!

Do you remember as a kid thinking "I will never be like my mother, or father" I will never be like my parents.
I remember saying it. As I have gotten older I catch myself doing things that my parents did. Yelling over dumb things, bickering just to bicker. Saying things like "Because I said so" or "Wait until your father gets home" I catch myself thinking like my mother or playing that martyr like my dad. I hate it. I am trying not to be like them. I hope I am raising my kids in a way that make them proud. A way that they can harvest from and Raise there children.. I dont want them to fear being like me. I hope that I raise them in a way that they want to be like me.
   The road to raising a child inst a one way street. Its like looking at a map. Cross Sections. Stop Signs. U turns. Railway crossings. Street lights and yield signs.. Take caution.. Parenthood is one bumpy ride..

abandonment

I need to write.

Maybe in blood. Maybe in tears

Maybe with the ink of my soul

With each tap of the keys on this keyboard 

I move further away from the cluttered

overwhelming Enviornment that keeps

bringing me into sadness

The ups and downs of life

The ins and outs of Motherhood

The Smiles and tears of carrying everyone

else's burdens.

Adding weight onto my shoulders with every passing 

stress.

with relief comes abandoment.

With abandoment comes peace.

Peace casts out the undesired fears

The unwanted memories of the hard stuff

The toughness that comes with life.

I want to be free

To be wanted and desired.

To be understood and welcomed

To be thought of. 

I need sleep. 

Overwhelming tiredness

to be washed away.

I want to breath it in.

The peace that the smell of my pillow brings

The instant relaxation that a soft bed and a strong man bring.

Maybe in my dreams I can live a life of free of heartache and pain.

Lbs for Lbs..

Hey bLog FrIenDs

I just pledged 20 lbs to the pounds for pounds 

Biggest Loser Challenge. 

For every lb I lose Biggest Loser donates 11 cents 

To a Food bank in my area 

11 cents doesnt sound like much

but that is equivalent to 1 lb of food.

I'm really excited about this

because I know that I am making a change for me

and a change for America. 

I cant wait to see my results 

over the next few weeks. 

20 lbs of food can feed so many families. 

so I challenge you all to do the same

Go to 

 http://www.pfpchallenge.com/

Pledge your lbs you want to shed

and help feed people in your area..

Love Love this song.

 Go to the right and click on my music player listen to the music and read the words along with it.. Its amazing. I heard it again last night at the movies and it just made me sooo happy!! Love Love it!

Fidelity lyrics
Songwriters: Spektor, Regina;

I never loved nobody fully
Always one foot on the ground
And by protecting my heart truly
I got lost in the sounds

I hear in my mind all of these voices
I hear in my mind all of these words
I hear in my mind all of this music

And it breaks my heart
And it breaks my heart
And it breaks my heart
When it breaks my heart

And suppose I never ever met you
Suppose we never fell in love
Suppose I never ever let you
Kiss me so sweet and so soft

Suppose I never ever saw you
Suppose we never ever called
Suppose I kept on singing love songs
Just to break my own fall

Just to break my fall
Just to break my fall
Just to break my fall
Break my fall
Break my fall

All my friends say that of course
[From: http://www.elyrics.net/read/r/regina-spektor-lyrics/fidelity-lyrics.html ]
It's gonna get better
Gonna get better
Better better better better
Better better better!

I never love nobody fully
Always one foot on the ground
And by protecting my heart truly
I got lost in the sounds

I hear in my mind all of these voices
I hear in my mind all of these words
I hear in my mind all of this music

And it breaks my heart
And it breaks my heart

I hear in my mind all of these voices
I hear in my mind all of these words
I hear in my mind all of this music

And it breaks my heart
And it breaks my heart
It breaks my heart

When it breaks my heart
When it breaks my heart
When it breaks my heart
Breaks my heart

When it breaks my heart
When it breaks my heart
When it breaks my heart
When it breaks my heart

Vow of silence

Yep..
Im taking a vow of silence today.
Because everything I say is Wrong.
And Everything I want to say is right.
So "If you can't say something nice dont say anything at all"

Thanks Thumper for your wise words.

a little misconstrued

My thoughts are completely out of sync with my actions and body today.
Im a little misconstrued , all over the place.

Like a Cluster of Chaos. built into my {not so} tiny frame.
I feel out of sorts and a little indifferent.
I want to be whole again. I want to be put back together and bonded with a strong arms.
I want to be organized in thought and body. Instead of Dislocated and Disjointed.

I feel like my soul is wondering around aimlessly
Detached from my heart.
I know what they both need
Unfortunately they are 2 completely different answers to a dilemma that needs. 

I need Solace.
Peace
Comfort.

Indifference..

This is my new attitude.

Annoyed..

Im totally being taken advantage of. Im trying to be nice and not cause trouble but I'm getting to the point to where I am going to have to start throwing temper tantrums.. Im tired. Annoyed and feeling totally used..

one word

dexter

Shocking.

Every 40 seconds a Teenager tries to commit suicide in the United states.. every 40 seconds.. that to me is horrifying.

This makes me so super sad. I just want to let any of my teenage readers one thing.

IT GETS BETTER!

Coming from one of those teens (me)

I am so thankful that my attempts were unsuccesful

I have found Love

Friends.

laughter through my pain.

I  still have some sadness

but overall I do okay..

It gets better.
At the very very very bottom of my darkest hours.
I have to think about the What ifs?
What if I go through with this and my life gets remarkably better
and Im not here to enjoy it.
What if I go through with this and my kids
end up hating me for it.
What if It gets better for me because I'm not here
but causes everyone else in my life pain.
I have to remember it gets better.
The good days will out reach the bad and my life becomes
easier to bear..
It gets better.
It has too.

Needing an outlet.

I'm desperately in need of an outlet today. I am having troubles just getting through the day without crawling into my bed and taking a nap for the rest of my life. Im so tired. I am so sad.
I feel like I'm having an out of body experience today. You know when you feel like your standing next to your body watching it go through your daily routine. Feed the little people. Do the dishes. Clean the bathroom. sit on the couch in statuesque depression. Like I know my hands are typing right now but it feels so surreal. like its not you, but its you. Im not sure if im making any sense right now. I just need some quiet Me time.. Some lock yourself in the closet and hope no one finds you time.. And of course.. The little people are crying and whining.. Back to the daily Grind.. the Me time must wait for another day. 

Looking for...

Purpose. 

Friendship.

Loyalty.

romance.

pain relief.

sustanance

comfort

Relaxation

Hope

less reluctancy

more intimacy

rejuvenation

newness

I wish i could bundle all of this up into a big pillow and sleep myself all better

I want to wake up feeling fresh and alive.

Instead of wishing I could dream things into perfection.

Maybe I need a rainbow. 

a reminder that all is clean and new.

I dont feel guilty about anything.

Just feeling lonely. 

Porcelean Priestess

I have been throwing up all day..

Binge Drinking wasn't my friend last night

Im sure I make my mom sooo proud..

Moderation in all things.

Is drinking only on Monday's considered moderation? I dont do it (mostly) any other day of the week.. So is drinking until I cant see straight on mondays only considered Moderation?? I wonder..

Social failure.

I am a Social Failure.. 

I suck at twitter! 

I dont get it. 

I am trying! 

Follow me and you'll see what I mean! 

http://twitter.com/KatxErickson

Paradise..

This is what's keeping me going today.. Beaches... Alcohol....Warm sunlight...Cabana Boys... No kids... Seclusion. Oh Maybe one day.. But for now.
I'm in 4 inches of legos and Army guys. Spilt milk and freezing cold snow...

Star Light Star Bright..

"Looking for baggage that goes with mine"

Mimi, from RENT (written by Jonathon Larsen)
Says This in one of her songs that she sings in the show.
I was listening to it in the car today while I was taking MY Little Person to Preschool.
The exact quote it "Life is short babe, time is flyin. I'm looking for baggage that goes with mine"
So it got me thinking. And when I start thinkin i cant stop... Sometimes for days. I get so caught up in my interpretation of it all  that I cant stop thinking.
I am a {Married} Woman.. But if something were to happen to my husband. Or we got a divorce. Or Someone stole him away from me what would I have to offer someone else. What Baggage would I be able to let go, and what would I carry on my back into a new relationship. I would probably never get remarried again. But if I did decide too what would people be willing to tolerate?  I have {2} Little people in my life.. They ARE my life. I'm responsible for everything that happens around them. What they eat. What they breath, What they wear and Where they sleep. What I consider  my life source would probably be considered Baggage to someone else. I am 100% devoted to my parents. At times they dont treat me well. They arent nice to me at times and they constantly make me feel guilty to get what they want from me. I am the first to admit the "abuse" But I take it, with a smile. Because I dont want to miss a second of their lives because They arent going to be around forever and I dont want to have a guilty conscious. Baggage!!!
Over the last month I have blogged 51 times.
You can probably tell by my posts that I am a little shall I say {CRAZY}. I have emotional baggage.. Scars that cover gaping wounds and Constantly remind me of the past.. The Beautiful and Blistering parts. I am one big giant Hot Mess. I Cry and yell. Im the worlds best silent treatment-er. I dwell on the negative and sometimes forget to be grateful for the positives in my life. I am needy, I can be extremely caddy and callous. I say whats on my mind and I usually have no regrets. I am emotionally barren when Emotion is needed and like Niagara falls at all the wrong times. I love a little bit too recklessly and I Give my heart to everyone.
I think all of the above attributes that I am not willing to give up. I love who I am, and it's taken me a long time to get that way.. I'm not willing to change the person I have finally excepted, even if it means to never love or be loved again..

No. 2857

On December 1, 1955 in Montgomery, Alabama, Parks, age 42, refused to obey bus driver James Blake's order that she give up her seat to make room for a white passenger.
I have heard people on the Utah Trax system refuse to get up for elderly, women or children. Not thinking anything of it. Just an ordinary human downfall. But on this particular day it wasnt an ordinary Refusal of someone with Tired feet. Just wanting to sit down for a few minutes. It was a commited stand, committed to stand up for her rights as a women and as an african american person. She Was refusing to stand up to give her seat up to a white passenger. Her being committed to her rights and beliefs was arrested and thrown in jail. Injustice, prejudice and down right cruelty.
   Dear Rosa Parks,
             Thank you.

World Aids day.

tomorrow is World Aids day.
Go buy some Mac Viva Glam Lipstick 100% of its proceeds go to The MAc Aids fund. That money goes towards medication, counseling and community awareness. Its amazing. Im definitely going to buy 2 or 3 tomorrow.

Post Secret..

(Jeanna, I totally stole this from you.. Hope you don't mind! )
Postsecret.com. Is one of those sites that you can waste hours of time on. Not doing anything but reading peoples Post-it secrets.

This is the one, that totally made me stop and think.. Are there things that I want to tell people? Yes, yes there is. I'm not one to bite my tongue.. infact, I can be down right bitchy and mean if I dont want to be nice. I am completely honest, I tell people what I think and I (most of the time) dont feel any remorse. Are there anythings that you want to say but dont have the gumption to say it? Write it out.

Its no Secret... (I added the picture to break up the monotomy)

... That I desperately struggle with the whole church thing.  I am LDS. (or mormon) to the rest of the world. I am not a die hard Mormon Mom. That doesnt shop on Sunday, that doesnt drink alcohol, that doesnt let the kids drink caffien or watch Tv on Sunday. Im not a prayer at the dinner table kinda a girl, Im not a Prayer before kinda a girl either.
    I am however, Passionate about Christ. I truly believe in god. I cant wake up everyday and see all of this beautiful snow or the Majestic mountains and not believe in Something. I cant live my life without knowing that there isnt something after all of this. Just birth, life and death.. That cant be it right?

  Well heres my struggle. As "Mormons" we believe that you have to pay tithing (10%) of everything you gain to the church. That money doesnt go into the pockets of Grumpy old Rich men it actually goes to really great things like Building churches or temples in communities that wouldnt otherwise have something like that in their backyard.  But according to scripture it is told that if we dont tithe we will not get into the "celestial kingdom" which is the highest degree of heaven. The only degree in which we can be with our spouses. that piece of "doctrine" has been drilled into my head since I was a little kid. Dont pay your tithing, don't get to heaven with your husband. Pretty heavy huh? I hate paying tithing.  Just because Ten percent is a lot for my family, and really? Am i going to be banned from heaven if I dont give 10% of my money to the church? I have a hard time believing that. Another struggle. Do I believe that Joseph Smith was chosen by the Lord to be a vessel? So that he can bring the only "true" church back to the world? Im not so sure. Do I believe that Joseph Smith was a good man that did a ton of good things for people and was wrongfully persecuted for things that he thought were to be true? yes. A little cooky? maybe.. But he was a good man, with good family morals that focused on only good things. The Book of Mormon... "Another Testament of Jesus Christ"  I think its a book full of good stories, of Love. Heart ache. Physical emotional and spiritual uplift. Do I believe that Christ came to the new Americas? Absolutely. I don't think his experiences were limited to the middle east.  So heres what im getting at. Everytime I tell someone that im not really sure I believe everything that the "Church" has told me I just keep getting told "pray harder:" Belive me, I have prayed. I have been broken down. On my very very last ounce of energy. I have cried and cried and pleaded with the Lord to tell me if its all true.. Im still waiting. Im not looking for a flash of lightening or a burning in my bosom. Im not looking for an obvious sign. IM just looking. Waiting, and living the best life I can. Im a good person, with good morals. A love for everyone and a life that I am willing to give for anyone. Hopefully, that is enough.

Sick of me yet?

I know this is like my 4th post today..
ever feel like you have so much to say and no one to say it to? Like everyones ears are plugged and u dont feel like your getting anywhere with your words? Thats me today.. I feel like I just need to talk (or type) in this case.. I dont care if anyone listens.. but when I have so much in me to say I just need to get it out.. Type it out.. Sing it out.. Cry it out.. Scream it out.. I dont know.
I am feeling a little bit unsatisfied. With everything.. With my life.. With my Husband.. With my kids.. With myself.. Pretty much with everything. I just feel like there is so much more out there for me.. Like ive been stuffed in a sardine can.. With all the other sardines.. Waiting for someone to tun that little nob and unscrew me.. I'm feel like I can grow so much more than I have.. I'm 25 years old, I've been married for almost 8 years.. ITs been pretty great most of the time.. There have been some really serious challenges but i just brush them off and move forward. I absolutly love my husband..dont get me wrong.. But is love ever really enough? We dont fight. He works so hard for us.. He does whatever I ask of him, he loves his kids with such Reckless abandon.. He is willing to take a bullet or get hit by a train for the people that he loves. I should be clinging onto him like he is it.. But i feel my grasp slipping away. its been 8 years.. Its been 8 years..
We live with my parents. I bow down to there every command. I do the Grocery Shopping, the dishes, the cleaning the cooking to taking care of.. And I feel like theres no one to take care of me.. It would be nice for once to not have to drive myself to the emergency room, I spent all last sunday in the emergency room. by myself.. suffering from a kidney stone passing.. I just wish someone would have been there with me.. To hold the barf bucket or push the nurse call button.. Or just to tell me its going to be okay.. Is that selfish? Am I being Selfish? Pity Party much?
I feel like I'm slipping away from me.. The girl who is fun, and care free and loving.. I feel like im becoming mean and bitter. I feel like im becoming the girl that no one wants to be friends with.. I want to be the girl that gets invited to things, the one that people actually want to be around. I want to be held.. I want someone to hold my hand.. I want someone to kiss me with so much passion that I think i am going to die.. is that too much to ask for? Maybe it is true that you cant have everything..

Girls Girls Girls..

There are a couple of girls that are really starting to get on my nerves..

they are caddy.. Insecure.. bitchy.. Stupid and everything else imaginable..

Im tired of it.. I try to be kind.. I try really really hard to keep the peace..

but the peace has just about been thrown out the window.

I am trying to be friends with everyone.. Trying to love everyone.'

Trying not to stoop to the level where someone could categorize me in the "bitchy mean" girl category..

Ugh... SOOOO FRUSTRAITED!

Love Like Winter..

You're Impossible But Lovely..

I hate and love Money.. Its blissful and blistering. Its Painful and Precious..
Payday is Bittersweet. You get money just to give money..
I wish it wasnt illegal to print your own money.. cause I would..
Is there a money tree? Gold at the end of the rainbow?
Billion dollar man? Cause I need to find one of them!

Radio Silence..

Shutting down until Monday..
Night friends.

Cross Roads..

Ever come to one of those Crossraods in life.. Where u just have to choose.. Where to go, What to do, Who to love, Who not to love, Who to forgive, Who to forget.. ect?
Well I think im at one of those Crossroads.. Trying to figure out which path I should take..
I turn to Robert Frost for the answer.. He was so amazing with his words.. A poem written in 1915, who would have thought would be so relevant in my life today.. Thanks Mr. Frost.. I too shall take the road less traveled.. and I hope it will also make All the difference..


Robert Frost.. Road Not Taken

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth.

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same.

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I--
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

Reaching out..

Hey everyone..
     I try really hard not to get too involved in different Organizations and things on my public Forum. But this one I feel strongly about. A friend of mine is going through a really rough time, He's son Kyler was born to the most Loving Father in the world.. Kylers mother on the other hand is another story. Please follow the link below and read the Story. Kyler was born in August he is a small innocent little guy and they need help to get him into a proper home. Please Blog Friends, anything will help. Prayers are also bieng called for. We don't want the justice system to fail this little guy, before he even has a chance.  

http://www.helpkyler.com/helpkyler/Help_Kyler.html

"When the Rich Wage War its the Poor that Die"

I'm not going to say that I know A lot about Politics.
I'm not going to say that I understand Much about it
I'm not going to say that I know the reasons why war is neccesary
Or why its unnecessary.. All I am going to say is this.. Not through My words but the words of Linkin Park.. Read the Lyrics and then listen to the song.. Its Amazing!!

Hands Held high... Linkin Park
Turn my mic up louder I got to say something
Light weights step to the side when we come in

Feel it in your chest the syllables get pumping
People on the street they panic and start running

Words on loose leaf sheet complete coming
I jump in my mind and summon the rhyme, I'm dumping

Healing the blind I promise to let the sun in
Sick of the dark ways we march to the drum and

Jump when they tell us that they wanna see jumping
Fuck that I wanna see some fists pumping

Risk something, take back what's yours
Say something that you know they might attack you for

Cause I'm sick of being treated like I have before
Like it's stupid standing for what I'm standing for

Like this war's really just a different brand of war
Like it doesn't cater the rich and abandon poor

Like they understand you in the back of the jet
When you can't put gas in your tank

These fuckers are laughing their way to the bank and cashing the cheque
Asking you to have compassion and have some respect

For a leader so nervous in an obvious way
Stuttering and mumbling for nightly news to replay

And the rest of the world watching at the end of the day
In their living room laughing like "what did he say?"

Amen
Amen
Amen
Amen
Amen

In my living room watching but I am not laughing
Cause when it gets tense I know what might happen

World is cold the bold men take action
Have to react or get blown into fractions

Ten years old it's something to see
Another kid my age drugged under a jeep

Taken and bound and found later under a tree
I wonder if he had thought the next one could be me

Do you see the soldiers they're out today
They brush the dust from bullet proof vests away

It's ironic at times like this you pray
But a bomb blew the mosque up yesterday

There's bombs in the buses, bikes, roads
Inside your market, your shops, your clothes

My dad he's got a lot of fear I know
But enough pride inside not to let that show

My brother had a book he would hold with pride
A little red cover with a broken spine

On the back, he hand-wrote a quote inside
When the rich wage war it's the poor who die

Meanwhile, the leader just talks away
Stuttering and mumbling for nightly news to replay

And the rest of the world watching at the end of the day
both scared and angry like "what did he say?"

With hands held high into the sky so blue,
 As the ocean opens up to swallow you.

Depressed...

Its Every where

Its your sister, Its your mother

Its your Bother

Its your Best friend

Yes not everyone is  Depressed All the time

Not everyone is depressed ever.

Not everyone is depressed at one time or another.

I know I try to hide it.

I know I try to tuck it away.

I know I dont cut myself, or other forms of self mutilation

I know I dont threaten to commit suicide.

I know I dont cry all the time in front of you.

Be aware of it. Its all Around You..

Perspective

*warning... I dont have my glasses on so if my words are a little jumbled thats why..
A couple weeks ago I took a really really hot shower at like 10:30 at night.
I opened the shower window and I saw the shadow of the trees swaying in the wind. It made me think about life..
How things arent always what they appear, or often time things look better from another angle. My daughter hangs herself upside down on anything she can swing on. the couch, the treadmill (I know super dangerous). She always tells me that i'm upside down. and when I say no my love Im right side up and your upside down she says "not from where I'm sittin" So it makes me wonder.. A child sees things from ground level and as they get older there perspective changes. goes from seeing things in a literal sense to a more objective state of mind. I try to look at things Objectively.
When I was standing in the shower inthe steam it created while the cold outside air mixed with the hot steam from the shower I realized something. I realized that life isnt made to be taken literally or Objectively its made to be taken with each breath, each kiss, each hand hold, each laugh, each prayer, each tear. Its ment to be lived and not examined. Examintation should be set aside for more seriously things..
Im not really sure what Im getting at.
the trees had this overwhelming sense of peace. Standing strong enough to withhold even the most powerful of winds. But Gentle enough to lean in praise to the newly snowed on Mountains. I just starred at the quivering leaves.. The Gentleness of it all seemed so peaceful. like I was sitting silently on the porch with a cup of hot chocolate and my best friend. We can say everything without saying anything..
Pretty sure this is the equevelint of a Drunk Blog since im so tired and I cant see. But you know, when a girls gotta write.. Shes got to write~

Doom and Gloom.

Bieng Sick makes me have this really bad doom and gloom attitude
Im usually a glass half full kind of a girl but lately its like..
My glass is half empty.. such a great metaphor..
I swear I am going to take a shower and let all of this insecurity and gloominess wash away with it all.
All of my tears all of my pain will go down in drain.. And the water will bring on a Fresh new sense of hope, happiness and love. Heres to tomorrow!

Heart broken..

You know when u go through life and u realize that u have made some uber mistakes.. 

100,000 years later and u dont really remember what happened, all you really know is that u hurt peoples feelings, or rubbed people the wrong way.. Or said something offensive?

Well I came to the realization that I did All of those things.. It makes me sad and Im not sure what to do about it. 

there are a couple people in my life that were directly effected by choices I made or things that I have sad. I'm trying to make and keep friendships.. And I've realized that I have ruined a lot of non-existent friendships that could have become amazing but were stopped before they were even started..   I use to think it was ok to talk about people behind there backs. To use people against each other and to get into the middle of fights I wasn't even a part of.  I get so excited about the he said-she said crap.. I would get super jealous over dumb things.. Tell big huge whoppin lies and then stumble to keep them straight.. 

Im not that girl anymore.. I havent been that girl in a super long time.. I wont ever be that girl again. But Ive come to realize that who I was has kind of tainted people views of who I am now.. 

     I'm actually a really really good friend. I am loyal and I'll stand up for you and behind u.. The friends I do have I have kept for a very long time.  My very best friend i have had since I was 11.  She knows who I am.. The real me.. The broken down me. The me that doesn't have makeup on or perfect hair.. The me that snores and talks when she sleeps. The me that Went through hell and back.. She was there for me through every mistake and triumph. She was there for me every through every broken heart and love spell.. I'm so lucky to have her.. 

             Sara

              .. You are absolutely my best friend.. My sister..  I am so thankful for everything that u have done and will do for me. U have held my hand through the toughest and most amazing things in my life.  I love you girl!  I hope I have and will continue to return the favor because I owe u that..

Death..

By Kidney Stone..

I literally thought I was going to die today.. I could not believe the agony I was in.. and what was it caused by you ask? a 2 Millimeter Jaggedy hard little piece of Calcium Carbonate.. Sliding its way through my urinary Tract.. I have a super migraine now, and im in a lot of pain still from all of it.. But hopefully tomorrow I wont be dying of Kidney stones..

Maybe Ill be Dying of laughter.. or have Death by chocolate.. Or Loved to death.. We will see what tomorrow brings..

As for me, Im just glad today is over and I can wake up whole again!

emergency...

 my kidneys are trying to ruin my life.. I'm sitting in the emergency room with an iv in my arm.. o2 in my nose feeling I'm on the brink of death.. my kidneys don't like me today.. the only plus side is that they have a decent wifi connection.. so much for a nice relaxing movie day with my kiddos..

Saturday..

EEEHEEEM.. Excuse me while I whine for a minute..
I'm all alone on a Saturday night.. Eating Velveeta cheese and salsa with Tortilla chips
Drinking entirely too much Dr. Pepper.. and Dreaming about a nice warm body to cuddle with!
Im going to go cry my eyes out watching a sappy girlie movie all alone..
Good night Blogville.. See you all in the morning!

Overwhelmed

I am feeling a little bit overwhelmed all of the sudden

My thoughts are spinning out of control

and my heart is beating out of my chest

I was just talking to a friend about our kids.

He has 2 little girls and I have a boy and 1 girl

Our oldest kids are much the same.

They are both Very smart, they would rather

read books about Real things.

Dinosaurs, Planets, Animals. Then play at recess..

I am so worried that I am not doing enough to prepare My son for

The most difficult time of his life.. School

Everyday when he gets on that school bus to get him to first grade

I cringe at the thought of him going there and getting bullied

I am so scared that he is going to be Tormented Like i was.

I dont want him to go through that.

I dont want him to have to cower in the bathroom stall

In fear of his tormenters humiliating him.

I was called the most Horrible names in school

I dont want him to go through that.

I dont want him to be ridiculed for bieng tall and skinny

He has no interest in sports

He has no interest in Tough things.

He loves the computers, he loves video games

He loves to learn and read

I am so proud of that, but is it going to be at his expense?

All day long I can be proud of him

I can love him with ever ounce of me

And I do, I love him.

But is love enough to get him through the most

trying times in a childs life?

I dont know..

What is a mother to do?

admittance

Hi, My name is Katrina Erickson..

I am a talk-aholic

and when someone like me

has No-Filter

It can get out of hand.

I come off as abrassive

And Mean, when all I need to do it STFUP!!

I guess im going to have to start carrying around with me

a Muzzel of a Role of Duct Tape..

Add a little bit of Alcohol into the mix and I get down right

obnoxious..

From now on, Im going to think before I speak...

The first step of Recovery is admittance..

So here I am infront of all of my Fabulous readers

Admitting what I am.

A Talk-aholic

Dear Amazon.com

You just lost a Very Loyal costumer of many years.
I will no longer be buying things from you, Selling books on your site or buying things from people on your site.
I am so disgusted by your inability to draw Ethical lines. Promoting books such as "A pedophiles guide" will not be tolerated by me or my family.
                                                                           Disgusted  Consumer
                                                                                             Kat

Today..

I'm just going to look at the world

through Rose Colored Glasses

Ignore the bad, and Enjoy the view..

Moment of Silence..

I just wanted to take a few minutes to remember and honor some of the cases over the past few years that have really affected me.. News stories and such.. Just pictures.. Names and dates.. No explanation because It would take me hrs.. If you have any questions about what has happened to these people Google them.. They all have amazing stories, and all of their lives were cut painfully short..

Bobby Tillman.. Stomped to death While 15 people stood by and watched

 Tyler Clementi, Committed suicide after bieng outed by his college roommates on the internet

Caylee Anthony.. Murdered by her mother so she could "get her life back"

Lacey Peterson. Her and her baby Connor, Murdered and dumped in the ocean.. Lacey was 9 month pregnant and Baby Connor was still in Utero

Zahra Baker.. 10 yrs old.. Dissappeared and has not been seen. Her Prosthetic leg was found at the dump and they are searching for her body.

Susan Powell.. Dissappeared Dec 2009..

Remember these People and their families as we continue on to the holidays. I dont know about you but remembering these people and all of the others that lives have been so ended WAY to soon will allow me to hug my kids a little bit tighter.. Love them a little bit deeper..
RIP Friends I never knew..

What can I say???

What are you thankful for??

Its November.

On my FB page I have been writing something I am thankful for

everyday. 

Here are a few more things I am thankful for

I am so thankful for my Children, they are healthy and happy. 

They are beautiful and loving. 

I am so thankful for My husband. Who works so hard for us

He loves me so completely, he is the best father to our children.

I am so thankful for my family. 

We can be a little bit crazy and loud at times, 

we can yell and scream at each other, but at the end of the day

There is love there. and thats all that matters in the end

I am so thankful for my health

I am a little bit squishy in some areas

but all in all i am pretty healthy.

I am thankful for tears,

Tears of pain, tears of joy, tears of laughter

Because through those tears I get Strength.

I am thankful for my 2 nieces and my 5 nephews

They absolutley make me happy. 

I am so thankful for my friends. If im having a bad day

I know i can call for help, for hope or just for a hug.

I literally could go on all day about the things I am thankful for

What are you thankful for? 

Thinking about it is making my day a little bit better

Goodnight everyone!!

feeling..

Im feeling incredibly broken today

Shattered into pieces

My heart is heavy with grief

My eyes are heavy with tears

Im have trouble breathing

and I am feeling hopeless

Im tired. Im scared

Im ready for it all to be over

If it werent for my children

It would be.

ALL OVER

Im not brave enough today

To push aside my OCTD

Im not strong enough today

To wipe away my own Tears

Im not ready to die

But im not strong enough to live

Im not suicidal just praying for

Relief..

God,

Please help me see the beauty behind the Darkness

Please give me a glimmer of hope

Please take me away from my pain

And deliver me from dread

Please Lift me up

Please carry my burden, 

Please bring me piece.

Please help me hold on

Please Carry me until I can walk on my own.

JUDY GARLAND "GET HAPPY" (SUMMER STOCK, 1950)

Virtue..

"I guess what I be saying is there ain't no better reason
To rid yourself of vanities and just go with the seasons
It's what we aim to do, our name is our virtue"

Jason Mraz

So, I was driving today with BB Austin in the back seat sleeping..

I was singing along to this song and these lyrics came up.. 

"our name is our virtue" and I thought to myself..
What does my name mean? I cant ever remember
A time when I actually sat down and thought about my name.
Where does it come from? What does it mean?
This is what i learned by google and talking to my mom and dad,
about where it came from.
The girl's name Katrina \k(a)-tri-

na,

kat-

rina\
is pronounced ka-TREE-nah.

Variant short form of Katherine (Greek) "pure".

So there you have it.. My name means "pure"
 I was named after this person

Katrina Van Tassel..

Resident of Sleepy Hollow

I asked my parents why and they said it was because

She was beautiful and she knew how to work her magic on a town. 

They wanted me to be strong willed and loved by all.. 

Pretty much nailed me on the head..If I do say so myself.. haha

So there you go.

My Name Is Katrina.. It means pure.. 

Im going to have to work on making my life 

a little bit like my name.. Purer.. if thats even a word..  :)

What am I doing today??

Watching this Gem...


I think im going to trade my husband in for this guy..

Anais Nin

Kept me Sane today.

I keep thinking about this quote.

Im trying really really hard to just remember this

MY perfect, imperfections are whats keeping me okay today.

The Sighs of Grief that come with my OCTD

The Constant fear of death.

The Constant worry of the unknown.

Are set aside at this moment

For me to just Breath.

Remembering that on the other side of grief is Sanity.

Behind every tear is a smile

Behind every sob is laughter..

Just remembering that.. Through Anais Nin

Is making everything okay today..



Dear Daylight Savings time..

I Hate you!!!
 That is all
               Katrina

One moment Please

Excuse me While I wipe the Crazies off of my face..
Today has been quite a struggle..
My mood is good on the outside but shaking on the inside.
All of my  days consist of the same things..
A constant effort to stay sane.
To not let the craziness inside me out.
Locked away in a vault marked..
Open and Die!!

Allowing myself to be taken over by all the demons I have inside me..
The Death and destruction of my thoughts..
The Horror in my dreams.
I wouldnt be able to make it.
sucking the very breath that gives me life..
today im drowning in fear..
Bieng swallowed whole..
Both of my kids are over at friends house
My husband is baking...
and im secretly Dying inside..

ME against the WORLD

Seriously thats what it feels like today..
Im moving in 1 direction and the World is pulling me into another..
Im doing wrong, while everyone around me is doing right..
Im fighting and everyone else is holding still..
Hopefully tomorrow ill be moving in the same direction..

The soothing of a Soul..

Have you ever just prayed (to whomever you believe in) for a soul soothing session?
I know I have... I've prayed for Relief. I've Prayed for Sanctuary, I've prayed for Amnesty.. and whenever I do, relief comes in the form of a song..
For those of you who know me, and those who don't. I am a musician. (Kinda of) I sing, I play the violin, I write lyrics, Make up tunes. and I listen to music all day everyday.  I get so lost in it.
For example, I cleaned the house im living in from Top to bottom.. Which I'm sure hasn't happened since the late 1980's Which is when my parental units moved into this Lovely house.. I turned on my Ipod and just cleaned. It made 8 hrs of cleaning feel more like 2...

I eat, sleep and Breath music..
I hear it in everything I do. I hear it in the fall, the quivering leaves falling to the ground. The thunderstorms of a late spring evening, The sound the microwave  makes when the turntable is on. The sound of my children s laughter.  That is where I find my Relief.. Through the music and sounds of living my life everyday.

I have obsessive compulsive thinking disorder.
I constantly think about death.. I recognize the craziness in my words.. I cannot just turn it off, I cant think of something else.. I cant breathe and move on. Its impossible.. It gets so bad sometimes that I am frozen with fear, cannot get out from under the protection of my comforter. I cant unfasten my seat belt in the car and I sit in the driveway in park without being able to move.  I keep a pair of headphones handy at all times. So when im drenched in fear I can turn on my mp3 player on my phone and just listen.. Thats the only time my thoughts stop. I get lost in the beat of the drums.. The vibrato in the Violin. My brain lets go of fear and peace runs through my body like an iv full of morphine.. The weight is lifted and I can move on.. Today is one of those days.. Fear is being forced out by music.. Ill hang onto it until i fall asleep tonight.. So today I pray for batteries to hold strong, and Peace.. Peace...

50 things I love

These are 50 things I LOOOOVE in (No) particular order!
1. I Heart T.V. 

2. I Heart Dr. Pepper

3. I Heart being an adult.

4. I Heart anything that has to do with love

5. I Heart my 2 sisters. 

6. I Heart my baby Brother

7. I Heart The Biggest Loser

8. I Heart My 2 nieces and my 5 nephews

9. I Heart the Military

10. I Heart my cell phone

11. I Heart Writing

12. I Heart Scentsy

13. I Heart my AMAZING Husband

14. I Heart Birthdays

15. I Heart Vodka Cranberries

16. I Heart my kiddos

17. I Heart goodnight kisses

18. I Heart Snuggling

19. I Heart Opiates.. (lol)

20. I Heart NYC

21. I Heart Blogging

22. I Heart Babies

23. I Heart Shoes

24. I Heart getting my Nails done

25. I Heart Getting my hair done

26. I Heart Pedicures

27. I Heart Glee

28. I Heart the color Pink

29. I Heart Musicals. (esp. Rent)

30. I Heart Singing

31. I Heart Showers

32. I Heart Sighting the Pledge of allegiance. I always always cry

33. I Heart bieng an American

34. I Heart (most of the time) Democracy

35. I Heart God

36. I Heart Forever 21

37. I Heart Sweaters

38. I Heart Maxi dresses

39. I Heart Hearts

40. I Heart giggling

41. I Heart Hymns

42. I Heart girlfriends

43. I Heart everyone.

44. I Heart Facebook

45. I Heart Kirstie Alley

46. I Heart White Christmas the Movie

47. I Heart date night

48. I Heart Soccer

49. I Heart watching my kids laugh

50. I Heart a good cry.

ugh.. Day 4

I spent the whole day cleaning and degreasing and dedusting and dejunking this house.. Ugh is all I have to say.. I literally started at 10 am and didnt stop until 4:30.. It looks a lot better and I rearranged some things but it is still in serious need of a major overhaul.. All the way down to the floor boards..
Running away seems like a much better idea right now. but since that option is off the table I guess ill just keep on cleaning until I can stand being here.
On a much lighter note.. Kristina (big sister) is back and so is baby Austin. Along with baby Austins Dad Grant.. Hopefully its smooth sailing. and all goes well.. But with this many super loud super opinionated people it might get a little loud.. As for me.. The microwave is calling my name with the chicken thats defrosting.. soon to be battered and deep fried for everyones pleasure..

Pen to Paper..

Im trying really hard not to let life get to me. 

Im trying really hard not to let myself get to me.

I'm trying really really hard not to let breathing be hard

I'm trying really hard not to be a burdon 

Living for me isnt good enough anymore..

I have to live for something, anything.

My children

My Husband

My friends

My nephews and neices

I have to live.. Even though its hard some days

Living is difficult when all I do is the same thing everyday.

Eat

Sleep

Breathe

Eat 

Sleep 

Breathe

Thats what my life is.. a constant effort to Eat Sleep and breath

Writing helps.

It gives me perspective. I recklessly allow myself to over think everything

and with Pen to paper,

I dont think. 

The lack of thought gets me through the minutes it takes me to type my fears

my hopes

My dreams

My visions of the future.

So here i am. 

Living in the now. 

Living in the moment

Writing for me.. 

again.