... That I desperately struggle with the whole church thing. I am LDS. (or mormon) to the rest of the world. I am not a die hard Mormon Mom. That doesnt shop on Sunday, that doesnt drink alcohol, that doesnt let the kids drink caffien or watch Tv on Sunday. Im not a prayer at the dinner table kinda a girl, Im not a Prayer before kinda a girl either.
I am however, Passionate about Christ. I truly believe in god. I cant wake up everyday and see all of this beautiful snow or the Majestic mountains and not believe in Something. I cant live my life without knowing that there isnt something after all of this. Just birth, life and death.. That cant be it right?
Well heres my struggle. As "Mormons" we believe that you have to pay tithing (10%) of everything you gain to the church. That money doesnt go into the pockets of Grumpy old Rich men it actually goes to really great things like Building churches or temples in communities that wouldnt otherwise have something like that in their backyard. But according to scripture it is told that if we dont tithe we will not get into the "celestial kingdom" which is the highest degree of heaven. The only degree in which we can be with our spouses. that piece of "doctrine" has been drilled into my head since I was a little kid. Dont pay your tithing, don't get to heaven with your husband. Pretty heavy huh? I hate paying tithing. Just because Ten percent is a lot for my family, and really? Am i going to be banned from heaven if I dont give 10% of my money to the church? I have a hard time believing that. Another struggle. Do I believe that Joseph Smith was chosen by the Lord to be a vessel? So that he can bring the only "true" church back to the world? Im not so sure. Do I believe that Joseph Smith was a good man that did a ton of good things for people and was wrongfully persecuted for things that he thought were to be true? yes. A little cooky? maybe.. But he was a good man, with good family morals that focused on only good things. The Book of Mormon... "Another Testament of Jesus Christ" I think its a book full of good stories, of Love. Heart ache. Physical emotional and spiritual uplift. Do I believe that Christ came to the new Americas? Absolutely. I don't think his experiences were limited to the middle east. So heres what im getting at. Everytime I tell someone that im not really sure I believe everything that the "Church" has told me I just keep getting told "pray harder:" Belive me, I have prayed. I have been broken down. On my very very last ounce of energy. I have cried and cried and pleaded with the Lord to tell me if its all true.. Im still waiting. Im not looking for a flash of lightening or a burning in my bosom. Im not looking for an obvious sign. IM just looking. Waiting, and living the best life I can. Im a good person, with good morals. A love for everyone and a life that I am willing to give for anyone. Hopefully, that is enough.
Really good post...I'm not Mormon..but I am a Christian...I'm just waiting too :)
ReplyDeleteKatrina, I have found that for me, I have had to "test" each principle of the gospel by living it first. It's like test driving a new car before you buy kind of thing. For instance, if I want to know that tithing is a true principle and could benefit my life, I have to pay it first for awhile and see what happens. Same thing with going to church, or reading my scriptures, or praying etc. It has been a step by step process for me, with lots of mistakes along the way, lots of learning experiences, and lots of miracles and blessings. Someone once reminded me that "faith" is an action word. You have to do something first, then you see the blessings. (it kind of made me mad at the time:)
ReplyDeleteI also believe that God knows our hearts, He knows where we are spiritually (inside), He knows what challenges we have, and what we can personally achieve. He knows this better than anyone else. I also believe that He is a kind God and looks at us with compassion and love. He will always love us!!!
None of us is perfect in this world, we are all just trying to make it day to day. Hopefully with a little improvement here and there.
God is good in every way. We don't have to be perfect here.
I grew up never feeling "good enough." (stupid perfectionist) I finally figured out that I was the one setting myself up for failure all the time, "trying" to be perfect. Because I am not perfect and shouldn't expect that of myself. That is one thing I LOVE about getting older, some of that crap falls away. I am just a person, doing the best I can, and you know what that is good enough!