What it takes to do what I do everyday.

Acting Skills, Teaching Skills, Writing Skills, Healing Skills, Reading Skills, Math Skills, Cooking Skills, Believing in the impossible skills. And most importantly Binge Drinking Skills.
Not everyone can do it.. and only the Greats
(Like me) can do it well.. Being a Mother, A wife, A lover, a fighter, a Narrator, A director, a teacher of fine human skills is hard work.. And this is how I do it. Or try anyway.

Thursday, June 30, 2011

knowing what I know..

It makes me feel better
knowing that I have someone in my
life that has the same
Craziness in their head
as I do in mine..

It makes the my problems
seem alot more managable.

Thanks for being so honest..


Monday, June 20, 2011

Screaming to remember

With all of the craziness I have in my head all the time. 

The noise
The Death
The Fear
The struggle

Its really really easy to forget who and what I live and Breath for..

I got a great reminder tonight by a certain 5 year old.. 
Lady E: "Mom do you work tomorrow?"
Mom: "Yes I do from 8am-3pm"
Lady E: "Mom, thats a long day will you be to tired to have fun?"
Mom: "I'm never to tired to have fun with you and Xand"
Lady E; "Mom, When you get home let's clean the bathroom. Thats fun. 
I'll clean the toilet, brother can clean the shower and bath tub and you can 
clean the counter so you dont get too tired from all that working"
Mom; "Sounds like a good plan Sis"
Lady E: "I sure dont like it when you work, but I'm sure glad when you get home"
Mom: "sometimes a moms gotta do what a moms gotta do"
Lady E; "When I'm a mom, I'll gotta do what you gotta do. But you do a good job
So I think I'll be okay" 
Mom:" I KNOW you'll be okay"
Love you sis.. 
Love you mommy. 
See you tomorrow. 
Good night..

My children are the reason I breath
They literally are the air that gives me breath and 
the blood that makes my heart beat to sustain mylife another day. 
I am so grateful for their light
That shines through my darkness
and the Love that shatters barriers and allows me to be free
from my obsessions and fears.. 

Is it Fall yet?!

As much as I love the warmth of summer on my face
The taste of yummy summer vegetables
from my garden.
The Chirp of birds, 
the burn of the sun against my skin..

I long for 
I love my kids
But I love them more when they are at school!!!
I love it when I pick them up from their bus
and hug them and ask them how their day was
I love hearing there little feet running to the bus
I love getting report cards
and reminders of how smart they are.

I Dont love the
constant, 
"i'm hungry, I'm bored!!


This is me.. RIGHT NOW!!

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

word vomit

I feel like just throwing up words...
Just screaming them into my pillow..
Throwing them up and then watching them drown in the toilet.
I feel like writing them down and setting them ablaze..

Start the fire..
Feel the heat on my face
as my painful words 
turn to ash.

Ashes to send down the overflowing river
to a cold grave.

ashes to ashes.
Dust to dust.. 
Letting go of the hate in side me that the words 
You say bring. 
Weighing me down like an pair of led shoes in a deep ocean.
Pulling me into the darkness. impossible to get off. 
Losing are.. Suffocating by and ocean of 
hate.. a river of denial.. a Lake of self-pity..
YOU make me do this..
YOU make me want to cut into my legs 
YOU make me want to pull out my hair
YOU make me not sleep.
YOU make me want to die.. 

Monday, June 6, 2011

Struggling with words lately..



I'm at a loss of words today..
A million tiny word magnets are stuck to my soul
 but none of them forming complete sentences.. 
just fragments of fear
Loathing
hopelessness

My mind is like a buffet
full of bits of this and bits of that
when food is pilied high on a plate
it makes a meal
but when it is lying in the hotel pans with 
boiling water and steamed filled stress
they are just lonely bits of mushy over cooked word fragmants

Needy
Nosy
Hopeless
Sad
Overwhelmed
Unloved
Incapable
Prejiduce
but most importantly 
Scared
I need a brain hug..
someone to lift its spirit. 
To pull my thoughts out of the dark place they frequent
and into the light. 
Out of despair.
Into 
Hopefullness

If you died tomorrow..

What Legacy would you leave??



Sunday, June 5, 2011

so..

Put on your best boys and I'll wear my pearls.



Thanks Audrey, for reminding me how Glamorous
Being a women can be..

I forget sometimes..

Thursday, June 2, 2011

Who say's

Who Cares..
Shut your mouth
Your opinion holds no barring on who I am
Where I am going
and Who I will become.. 
Get?
Got it?

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

How to NOT Put my {scary} thoughts into action..

Or more appropriately titled.

 How to {Not} Commit a Murder/Suicide on a Sunday morning.. (or any morning for that matter)

My thoughts have been wildly out of control these last few weeks.

I am in constant Crippling fear of the most horrifying death imaginable..

MY Children Drowning in an over Flowing Freezing cold Fast moving river.

MY husband dying in his sleep, or in a car accident on his was home from work.

My Little sister being thrown down a flight of stairs to her doom.

MY older sister O.D. on some god forsaken drug that she hasnt touched in years..

My little brother being stabbed to death by a stranger looking for a fight.

ME. All Alone, Hulling myself up in a closet that only has one key.. and that key being lost..

Having to deal with the Anger, Sadness, Frailness, insecureness, hopelessness but most of all the Greif. The

Lonliness that comes with Loss.

I've gotten pretty good at holding it in. But today It has barreled down on me like a rogue wave, Waiting to

sweep me under the current and carry me into the abyss.

I realize the craziness in my head.. The thoughts that make me want to protect my family from the unknown..

ITs not right.. I'm not right today..

Thank you God that today is soon turning into tomorrow..

and hopefully I can bed the grief that is all consuming..

I KNOW I'm safe.. I KNOW my kids are safe..

 
 
 
God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.