stomach ache..

My Stomach is in knots.

I'm so nervous about my Surgery.

It's making me sick.

I keep getting called a

"drama queen" or a "baby"

But its not that.

I am a singer.

Music = Life

However small the percent

that my voice will change

Or that I will lose it all together

the fear of that .000001%

has consumed me.

I dont really care about anything else.

If one of my children died

I would soothe myself through song.

If I lost one of my arms

I would console myself through song.

If I couldn't sing.

I would

DIE!!

I'm terrified.

Please help me make it through with everything I hold dear

Attatched.

My life is nothing with song.

My heart is nothing without melody.



My 26 year old Birthday wish list

http://www.etsy.com/listing/67870339/antique-skeleton-key-necklace-dark-red

This AMAZING Skeleton Key Necklace!! 

Nothing Bundt Cake. 

(even though I wont be able to eat it b/c of my surgery)

Gerbera Daisies.

They are absolutly My FAVORITE!!

The complete first season of Glee!

:)

Feel Free to buy my one of all of these!!

haha 

I wish. 

I guess thats why they call it a "wish" list. 

My 30 year old "Bucket List"

 My Birthday is coming up soon. 

I'm going to be 26 on March 6th. 

To me 26-29 are in between ages.

Your not a young 20something. 

But your definitely not 30.

So I was reading another blog and she had a list of goals 

http://www.nicoleelkington.com/30-by-30/

She wants to do by age 30.

a Bucket List of sorts. 

So I have been thinking A lot 

About what would be on my 30 by 30 "Bucket List"

So here goes. 

1. Pick up a strangers bill at a resturaunt. 

2. See a Hump Back Whale

3.Get up before the sun Rises everyday for a month

4. Commit to Recycle for a whole year

5. Bird Watch in the Bayou

6. Buy my first house

7. get and stay on a budget. 

8. Throw a Black tie affair

9. Take a Journalism Class

10. Go on a Mediterranean Cruise

11. Meet someone that is 100 years old 

12. Be a Mentor

13. Write a cook book

14. Climb Mt. Sneffles in Western Colorado (14,000 ft)

15. Plan a Suprise party for my husband

16. Go Back To NYC

17. Take my kids to Disney World

18. Go on a Family vacation. Somewhere there isn't family.

19. Write in a Journal everyday for a year

20. Go Christmas Caroling

21. Pick up the Violin again

22. Take Guitar Lessons

23. Write a song

24. Tell my husband something sweet. Everyday. Forever

25. Tell someone my Story of Surviving Suicide 

26. Study Buddhism

27. Go to Therapy and actually take something away from it. 

28. Sing the National anthem at a Montrose high school football game

29. Take Jason to a Broncos Game

30.Make a Loan on Kiva.Org 

(I totally stole #30 from Nicole but its something that I have been wanting to do!)

So my 30th birthday is going to be on March 6th 2015

I'll be marking these off my list in no time!!

Zach Wahls Speaks About Family

I was reading Perez Hilton's Blog tonight.
I came across these 2 videos. Ellens first and then I decided to google Zach Wahls.
His video has had over 1.5 million hits since it was posted.
He is so elequent. So Smart. So incredibly normal.
He was raised by 2 women. I am 100% pro-love.
I think we should be able to chose who we companion with.
Who we love. Regardless of our sexual orientation.
I feel like there is always an injustice. An Imbalance.
We live in the FREEIST Country in the World.
And yet we cant even chose who we marry.
Its sobering. Its a travesty.

Chose Love. Fight for Love. 

I am so overwhelmed right now.

ITs so windy outside.

I'm sitting here on a wednesday afternoon

Just trying to make it through the day without getting back in bed.

I am really bad about that. Especially when I'm feeling low.

Lady E is at school and So is X

I have to go pick Lady E up at 3

which is in 45 minutes. I promised her icecream on the way home.

She is so sweet. She can always tell when i'm feeling low. 

She wouldnt leave my side this morning.

She can always make me feel better!

Have you heard the Ben Folds Song "You dont know me"

I love it .

It is my Anthem right now.

I feel like no one knows who I am. The real Kat!

"If I'm the person that you think I am"

you are probably very very mistaken.

I am not deep. But not Shallow.

I'm traditional but non-complient

I'm not happy, but I'm not sad.

I smile when I want to cry

and Cry when I should be smiling.

I have Diarrhea of the mouth.

I am unsensored and crass.

I guess I am a little bit of everything

I get what I want. Not really caring if I get what I need.

I like to be hugged.. I love hugs.. I love the feeling of arms tightly wrapped around me in

my times of need.

I want a hug right now. so i'm going to go snuggle me some BB AK.

One more thought On v-day

Thanks John Lennon

Your songs and beliefs

With and without the beatles

Inspire us to

LOVE AND BE LOVED

They remind us to 

Imagine a world

of peace

and strive for it

They Remind us to be

Sincere in our dealings with eachother

And be Kind.

Your Right.. 

All WE need is Love

it makes the world

A much better place. 

Valentine's Day

Today is V-Day

Single Awareness

Cupids Stupid

Lovers Day

Binge yourself on Chocolate                                            

and Strawberries Day.

Whatever you want to call it. 

I am here getting ready to make dinner.

On tonights menue

Heart Shaped Grilled Cheese Sandwiches

Chicken Noodle Soup

and Heart Shaped Cherry 

Giggly Jello shapes. 

I have spent most of the day

being depressed

B/c J is in Wyoming working

instead of fullfilling my 

Romantic Comedyish

Valentine's Dreams

I realized a few hrs ago 

that I needed to stop being depressed

and start being Grateful.

J works sooo hard. 

He is 4 miles under ground 

in below freezing temperatures

Getting slung with Coal Mud and coal Dust

If he were doing what he wanted today

 he would be here. With us. 

Helping me make dinner

Spoiling our kids with Valentines Kisses and hugs

But instead he tied up his work boots

and went to work. 

He doesn't do it for anyone but

Me and my kids. 

He works so hard. 12 hrs a day 4 days a week

To bring home a pay check. So I dont have to work.

So I can be home to raise ouir children

and So we can have everything that we need And want.

I need to remember that. When I get mad that he doesnt

take a day off for Valentine's Day

To "Remind" ourselves of what the holiday is for.,

Love. We already know.

Its the reason why we do what we do.

Out of Love. 

 

So here's to your Valentines day.

May the sun rise and set with Love 

May your life be filled with everthing you need

May you get your secret Valentine's wish.

And remember what is right in front of you. 

I have friends. I have Kids.I have a roof over my head

and food in mine and my kids' bellies

Happy Valentines day.

I am going to be completely honest.

I

{HEART}

day in the So Called Life

I just added this Gem to my Netflix Queue

I cannot wait for it!! 

I was a little two young for this show 

when it was actually on for its few short seasons

But Now. I'm ready for it.

I need some Grungy.. Sappy..Drama in my life

To distract me from my Drama filled Sappy life.

Plus.. Who can use a little more 

Claire Danes in their life?? I know I can!!

BTW if you havent logged onto google today

Its This guys' 183rd birthday

By this guy I mean Jules Verne.

He had an imagination that was so beyond 

the ideas of people back then.

His inventions came to fruition 

and he was one of the greatest writers of All Time!!

Well Its dinner time. Plus baby Austin is whining.. 

I'll see ya all tomorrow!!

Craziness.. and Lots and Lots of tears..

things got crazy at my parents house yesterday, 

fighting. Words exchanging

Hearts breaking. 

Jason had to get me out of there.

SO we packed up a few things for the night and ran away to 

My sisters house. 

Spent the night. Went to dinner.

Cried some more. 

Thank god for my sister.

She can be the head that I need to keep

when mine is exploding. 

Jason has also been a Saving grace for me.

he lets me scream. He lets me cry.

He lets me punch and kick.

he lets me scream and yell.

And after everything we have gone through

he can still pick me up and put back my pieces. 

Im grateful for yesterday..

Lessons learned. 

Learned how to act.

What to say and where do say it.

blindness

My Glasses are downstairs so I cant see anything..
I'm too lazy to go get them. So i'll just be blind for a few minutes..
I have the screen adjusted so the words are really really big!!
haha. I'm ridiculous!

Okay Readers..

this is the only Time you will read about my own business or advertise for it.. So be patient with me and I will Return to my Regularly scheduled programming after dinner..
I have been on and off with myself about starting a home business. I have done it a few times. Some with major Success and Others with minimal or no success at all. I have been fence sitting for over a year about Mary Kay and I Finally took the plunge.
I have been IN LOVE with Mary Kay Products For years and I am always sharing my love for it with everyone. Loaning out my makeup or Facial Cleansers to friends and Family. They would by it of course because they LOVE IT! But I wasn't making any profits from it. So I decided if I was going to spread the word about it I might as well bite the bullet and Sell it! Because I AM SOOOO proud of it.. I Launched my website and Started my business. So if you are looking for Product need to refill or just want to try it I'm your girl! (if you don't already have a Mary Kay Lady) Go to my Website and Order!! I am so excited about this. and I swear on My honor and Love for my Children that I am not going to post this link again!! Just once. and I will go back to my crazy bi-polar and sometimes suicidal self!! :D


http://www.marykay.com/Katxerickson/default.aspx

Your Love is my drug..

But not my drug of choice..
I live a complicated life.
"Oh the Webs we weave" is my life's motto
I love many. I hate many. I laugh at (meanly) many
I think about many. I Dream of a life I cant have.
The grass is ALWAYS greener on the other side.
And then we get to the other side and we realize
Its Astro-Turf.. Your grass might not of been perfectly green
But it was lush under your feet.
I've always wondered what It would be like to be someone else.
Someone I don't know. Someone who has a super Posh life.
Beautiful, Skinny, Single, Rich.
Would I still be self-medicating?
I want to be addicted to Benzo's.
I want to be addicted to Life.
I want to be free of the burdens.
I wish only for love by many, Not by one.
I wish for hope and happiness.
Not Fear of Necessity.
I'm sounding horribly Selfish aren't I?
I need a break from reality. A Drink or 2.....or 17
I have been happy lately. But not Blissful.
Will it EVER be enough?
I dream of the kind of happiness I want.
A High Powered Job. People Bowing at my feet.
No worries of Sickness or Money.
Not having to answer to a 4 and 7 year old.
Not having to answer to myself.
Maybe Ignorance Is what I wish for.
Ignorant Bliss.. Is there such a thing?
hmmm. My journey will never end. So for now.
I must be content with what I have. Who I am.
Not what I want or Who I wish to be.
I need to keep myself busy. Or I'll Drown in my own misery.

blogfest 2/11.

I just got back from seeing The Black Swan. It was sooo good!! Natalie Portman did a phenomenal job. She has come along way from her Star Wars Day. I'm
so impressed! It wass so nice to get out of the house. So happy right now. But very much ready for bed. Blogfest is on for reall for the whole month of feb. (Im little drunk) nag night!!