nye

Apparently my life isnt worth anything more than cupcake corner blogging and the simpsons on New Years Eve... Way to send the Year out with a bang...

FML.

Letting it speak for itself

This is the Kat that is on Ambien. Drowsy and Extremely tired
I get some of my most brilliant ideas while on sleeping pills.
But they dont neccesarity come off as such.
I am totally obsessessed with ParaPhsycology. Like the idea that someone can track down spirits and listen to what they have to say. (I'm typing with one eye opened because I'm almost completly blind in my left eye) Anyway back to Dead people. Ive been watching Ghost Adventureres. On the Travel Channel. Its amazing. They actually show spirits and AV eqiupment picking up on weirdness that happens all around us. It kinda makes me paranoid,. Like I need those Glasses from 13 Ghosts to make me able to see everything that nots there around me. I know that someone died in the house I'm living in and I bet he is looking for his wife. But I cant see him so I have no idea if thats real or not. I want to go to the Stanley Hotel in Estes Park, CO.. To find Ghosts.. Maybe I can be a Ghost Hunter... Meh. Who knows. Im crazy.

Who ya gonna call?? GHOST BUSTER KAT! :)

What does

 A Straight Jacket

 A rubber Room

And this Scary looking Insane Asylum have in Common??

ME 

If I have to stay couped up in this house!!

Overwhelmed by....

Fear
Pain
Loss
Morality
senslessness
Anger
Heartache
Total Darkness
Noise


Wishing for...
Hope
Love
Happiness
Harmony
Light
Relief
Peace
Serenity
Silence


Maybe one day
Wishing It was today.
Tired of feeling lost

Remembering why.

Remember the Reason for this Season.. Christ.. Through his Grace anything is possible. He lives for me. He Forgives for me and he forgets all of my short comings.

Merry CHRISTmas Everyone..

Mark Twain... You Amaze me.

"Denial ain’t just a river in Egypt."
- Mark Twain (1835-1910)

The Brighter THe smile..

The lighter my heart.

There's nothing better in this world  than getting a smile when you feel  like the world is crushing on your head.

Especially when it comes from this little guy... 


(thanks beens for the picture.)

DO NOT ENTER!

Do you remember as a kid thinking "I will never be like my mother, or father" I will never be like my parents.
I remember saying it. As I have gotten older I catch myself doing things that my parents did. Yelling over dumb things, bickering just to bicker. Saying things like "Because I said so" or "Wait until your father gets home" I catch myself thinking like my mother or playing that martyr like my dad. I hate it. I am trying not to be like them. I hope I am raising my kids in a way that make them proud. A way that they can harvest from and Raise there children.. I dont want them to fear being like me. I hope that I raise them in a way that they want to be like me.
   The road to raising a child inst a one way street. Its like looking at a map. Cross Sections. Stop Signs. U turns. Railway crossings. Street lights and yield signs.. Take caution.. Parenthood is one bumpy ride..

abandonment

I need to write.

Maybe in blood. Maybe in tears

Maybe with the ink of my soul

With each tap of the keys on this keyboard 

I move further away from the cluttered

overwhelming Enviornment that keeps

bringing me into sadness

The ups and downs of life

The ins and outs of Motherhood

The Smiles and tears of carrying everyone

else's burdens.

Adding weight onto my shoulders with every passing 

stress.

with relief comes abandoment.

With abandoment comes peace.

Peace casts out the undesired fears

The unwanted memories of the hard stuff

The toughness that comes with life.

I want to be free

To be wanted and desired.

To be understood and welcomed

To be thought of. 

I need sleep. 

Overwhelming tiredness

to be washed away.

I want to breath it in.

The peace that the smell of my pillow brings

The instant relaxation that a soft bed and a strong man bring.

Maybe in my dreams I can live a life of free of heartache and pain.

Lbs for Lbs..

Hey bLog FrIenDs

I just pledged 20 lbs to the pounds for pounds 

Biggest Loser Challenge. 

For every lb I lose Biggest Loser donates 11 cents 

To a Food bank in my area 

11 cents doesnt sound like much

but that is equivalent to 1 lb of food.

I'm really excited about this

because I know that I am making a change for me

and a change for America. 

I cant wait to see my results 

over the next few weeks. 

20 lbs of food can feed so many families. 

so I challenge you all to do the same

Go to 

 http://www.pfpchallenge.com/

Pledge your lbs you want to shed

and help feed people in your area..

Love Love this song.

 Go to the right and click on my music player listen to the music and read the words along with it.. Its amazing. I heard it again last night at the movies and it just made me sooo happy!! Love Love it!

Fidelity lyrics
Songwriters: Spektor, Regina;

I never loved nobody fully
Always one foot on the ground
And by protecting my heart truly
I got lost in the sounds

I hear in my mind all of these voices
I hear in my mind all of these words
I hear in my mind all of this music

And it breaks my heart
And it breaks my heart
And it breaks my heart
When it breaks my heart

And suppose I never ever met you
Suppose we never fell in love
Suppose I never ever let you
Kiss me so sweet and so soft

Suppose I never ever saw you
Suppose we never ever called
Suppose I kept on singing love songs
Just to break my own fall

Just to break my fall
Just to break my fall
Just to break my fall
Break my fall
Break my fall

All my friends say that of course
[From: http://www.elyrics.net/read/r/regina-spektor-lyrics/fidelity-lyrics.html ]
It's gonna get better
Gonna get better
Better better better better
Better better better!

I never love nobody fully
Always one foot on the ground
And by protecting my heart truly
I got lost in the sounds

I hear in my mind all of these voices
I hear in my mind all of these words
I hear in my mind all of this music

And it breaks my heart
And it breaks my heart

I hear in my mind all of these voices
I hear in my mind all of these words
I hear in my mind all of this music

And it breaks my heart
And it breaks my heart
It breaks my heart

When it breaks my heart
When it breaks my heart
When it breaks my heart
Breaks my heart

When it breaks my heart
When it breaks my heart
When it breaks my heart
When it breaks my heart

Vow of silence

Yep..
Im taking a vow of silence today.
Because everything I say is Wrong.
And Everything I want to say is right.
So "If you can't say something nice dont say anything at all"

Thanks Thumper for your wise words.

a little misconstrued

My thoughts are completely out of sync with my actions and body today.
Im a little misconstrued , all over the place.

Like a Cluster of Chaos. built into my {not so} tiny frame.
I feel out of sorts and a little indifferent.
I want to be whole again. I want to be put back together and bonded with a strong arms.
I want to be organized in thought and body. Instead of Dislocated and Disjointed.

I feel like my soul is wondering around aimlessly
Detached from my heart.
I know what they both need
Unfortunately they are 2 completely different answers to a dilemma that needs. 

I need Solace.
Peace
Comfort.

Indifference..

This is my new attitude.

Annoyed..

Im totally being taken advantage of. Im trying to be nice and not cause trouble but I'm getting to the point to where I am going to have to start throwing temper tantrums.. Im tired. Annoyed and feeling totally used..

one word

dexter

Shocking.

Every 40 seconds a Teenager tries to commit suicide in the United states.. every 40 seconds.. that to me is horrifying.

This makes me so super sad. I just want to let any of my teenage readers one thing.

IT GETS BETTER!

Coming from one of those teens (me)

I am so thankful that my attempts were unsuccesful

I have found Love

Friends.

laughter through my pain.

I  still have some sadness

but overall I do okay..

It gets better.
At the very very very bottom of my darkest hours.
I have to think about the What ifs?
What if I go through with this and my life gets remarkably better
and Im not here to enjoy it.
What if I go through with this and my kids
end up hating me for it.
What if It gets better for me because I'm not here
but causes everyone else in my life pain.
I have to remember it gets better.
The good days will out reach the bad and my life becomes
easier to bear..
It gets better.
It has too.

Needing an outlet.

I'm desperately in need of an outlet today. I am having troubles just getting through the day without crawling into my bed and taking a nap for the rest of my life. Im so tired. I am so sad.
I feel like I'm having an out of body experience today. You know when you feel like your standing next to your body watching it go through your daily routine. Feed the little people. Do the dishes. Clean the bathroom. sit on the couch in statuesque depression. Like I know my hands are typing right now but it feels so surreal. like its not you, but its you. Im not sure if im making any sense right now. I just need some quiet Me time.. Some lock yourself in the closet and hope no one finds you time.. And of course.. The little people are crying and whining.. Back to the daily Grind.. the Me time must wait for another day. 

Looking for...

Purpose. 

Friendship.

Loyalty.

romance.

pain relief.

sustanance

comfort

Relaxation

Hope

less reluctancy

more intimacy

rejuvenation

newness

I wish i could bundle all of this up into a big pillow and sleep myself all better

I want to wake up feeling fresh and alive.

Instead of wishing I could dream things into perfection.

Maybe I need a rainbow. 

a reminder that all is clean and new.

I dont feel guilty about anything.

Just feeling lonely. 

Porcelean Priestess

I have been throwing up all day..

Binge Drinking wasn't my friend last night

Im sure I make my mom sooo proud..

Moderation in all things.

Is drinking only on Monday's considered moderation? I dont do it (mostly) any other day of the week.. So is drinking until I cant see straight on mondays only considered Moderation?? I wonder..

Social failure.

I am a Social Failure.. 

I suck at twitter! 

I dont get it. 

I am trying! 

Follow me and you'll see what I mean! 

http://twitter.com/KatxErickson

Paradise..

This is what's keeping me going today.. Beaches... Alcohol....Warm sunlight...Cabana Boys... No kids... Seclusion. Oh Maybe one day.. But for now.
I'm in 4 inches of legos and Army guys. Spilt milk and freezing cold snow...

Star Light Star Bright..

"Looking for baggage that goes with mine"

Mimi, from RENT (written by Jonathon Larsen)
Says This in one of her songs that she sings in the show.
I was listening to it in the car today while I was taking MY Little Person to Preschool.
The exact quote it "Life is short babe, time is flyin. I'm looking for baggage that goes with mine"
So it got me thinking. And when I start thinkin i cant stop... Sometimes for days. I get so caught up in my interpretation of it all  that I cant stop thinking.
I am a {Married} Woman.. But if something were to happen to my husband. Or we got a divorce. Or Someone stole him away from me what would I have to offer someone else. What Baggage would I be able to let go, and what would I carry on my back into a new relationship. I would probably never get remarried again. But if I did decide too what would people be willing to tolerate?  I have {2} Little people in my life.. They ARE my life. I'm responsible for everything that happens around them. What they eat. What they breath, What they wear and Where they sleep. What I consider  my life source would probably be considered Baggage to someone else. I am 100% devoted to my parents. At times they dont treat me well. They arent nice to me at times and they constantly make me feel guilty to get what they want from me. I am the first to admit the "abuse" But I take it, with a smile. Because I dont want to miss a second of their lives because They arent going to be around forever and I dont want to have a guilty conscious. Baggage!!!
Over the last month I have blogged 51 times.
You can probably tell by my posts that I am a little shall I say {CRAZY}. I have emotional baggage.. Scars that cover gaping wounds and Constantly remind me of the past.. The Beautiful and Blistering parts. I am one big giant Hot Mess. I Cry and yell. Im the worlds best silent treatment-er. I dwell on the negative and sometimes forget to be grateful for the positives in my life. I am needy, I can be extremely caddy and callous. I say whats on my mind and I usually have no regrets. I am emotionally barren when Emotion is needed and like Niagara falls at all the wrong times. I love a little bit too recklessly and I Give my heart to everyone.
I think all of the above attributes that I am not willing to give up. I love who I am, and it's taken me a long time to get that way.. I'm not willing to change the person I have finally excepted, even if it means to never love or be loved again..

No. 2857

On December 1, 1955 in Montgomery, Alabama, Parks, age 42, refused to obey bus driver James Blake's order that she give up her seat to make room for a white passenger.
I have heard people on the Utah Trax system refuse to get up for elderly, women or children. Not thinking anything of it. Just an ordinary human downfall. But on this particular day it wasnt an ordinary Refusal of someone with Tired feet. Just wanting to sit down for a few minutes. It was a commited stand, committed to stand up for her rights as a women and as an african american person. She Was refusing to stand up to give her seat up to a white passenger. Her being committed to her rights and beliefs was arrested and thrown in jail. Injustice, prejudice and down right cruelty.
   Dear Rosa Parks,
             Thank you.