welcome to summer Vacation..

Kill Me Now!!!!

word vomit

I feel like just throwing up words...

Just screaming them into my pillow..

Throwing them up and then watching them drown in the toilet.

I feel like writing them down and setting them ablaze..

Start the fire..

Feel the heat on my face

as my painful words 

turn to ash.

Ashes to send down the overflowing river

to a cold grave.

ashes to ashes.

Dust to dust.. 

Letting go of the hate in side me that the words 

You say bring. 

Weighing me down like an pair of led shoes in a deep ocean.

Pulling me into the darkness. impossible to get off. 

Losing are.. Suffocating by and ocean of 

hate.. a river of denial.. a Lake of self-pity..

YOU make me do this..

YOU make me want to cut into my legs 

YOU make me want to pull out my hair

YOU make me not sleep.

YOU make me want to die.. 

Struggling with words lately..

I'm at a loss of words today..

A million tiny word magnets are stuck to my soul

 but none of them forming complete sentences.. 

just fragments of fear

Loathing

hopelessness

My mind is like a buffet

full of bits of this and bits of that

when food is pilied high on a plate

it makes a meal

but when it is lying in the hotel pans with 

boiling water and steamed filled stress

they are just lonely bits of mushy over cooked word fragmants

Needy

Nosy

Hopeless

Sad

Overwhelmed

Unloved

Incapable

Prejiduce

but most importantly 

Scared

I need a brain hug..

someone to lift its spirit. 

To pull my thoughts out of the dark place they frequent

and into the light. 

Out of despair.

Into 

Hopefullness

If you died tomorrow..

What Legacy would you leave??

so..

Put on your best boys and I'll wear my pearls.

Thanks Audrey, for reminding me how Glamorous

Being a women can be..

I forget sometimes..

Who say's

Who Cares..

Shut your mouth

Your opinion holds no barring on who I am

Where I am going

and Who I will become.. 

Get?

Got it?

How to NOT Put my {scary} thoughts into action..

Or more appropriately titled.

 How to {Not} Commit a Murder/Suicide on a Sunday morning.. (or any morning for that matter)

My thoughts have been wildly out of control these last few weeks.

I am in constant Crippling fear of the most horrifying death imaginable..

MY Children Drowning in an over Flowing Freezing cold Fast moving river.

MY husband dying in his sleep, or in a car accident on his was home from work.

My Little sister being thrown down a flight of stairs to her doom.

MY older sister O.D. on some god forsaken drug that she hasnt touched in years..

My little brother being stabbed to death by a stranger looking for a fight.

ME. All Alone, Hulling myself up in a closet that only has one key.. and that key being lost..

Having to deal with the Anger, Sadness, Frailness, insecureness, hopelessness but most of all the Greif. The

Lonliness that comes with Loss.

I've gotten pretty good at holding it in. But today It has barreled down on me like a rogue wave, Waiting to

sweep me under the current and carry me into the abyss.

I realize the craziness in my head.. The thoughts that make me want to protect my family from the unknown..

ITs not right.. I'm not right today..

Thank you God that today is soon turning into tomorrow..

and hopefully I can bed the grief that is all consuming..

I KNOW I'm safe.. I KNOW my kids are safe..

 

 

 

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.