Who say's

Who Cares..

Shut your mouth

Your opinion holds no barring on who I am

Where I am going

and Who I will become.. 

Get?

Got it?

How to NOT Put my {scary} thoughts into action..

Or more appropriately titled.

 How to {Not} Commit a Murder/Suicide on a Sunday morning.. (or any morning for that matter)

My thoughts have been wildly out of control these last few weeks.

I am in constant Crippling fear of the most horrifying death imaginable..

MY Children Drowning in an over Flowing Freezing cold Fast moving river.

MY husband dying in his sleep, or in a car accident on his was home from work.

My Little sister being thrown down a flight of stairs to her doom.

MY older sister O.D. on some god forsaken drug that she hasnt touched in years..

My little brother being stabbed to death by a stranger looking for a fight.

ME. All Alone, Hulling myself up in a closet that only has one key.. and that key being lost..

Having to deal with the Anger, Sadness, Frailness, insecureness, hopelessness but most of all the Greif. The

Lonliness that comes with Loss.

I've gotten pretty good at holding it in. But today It has barreled down on me like a rogue wave, Waiting to

sweep me under the current and carry me into the abyss.

I realize the craziness in my head.. The thoughts that make me want to protect my family from the unknown..

ITs not right.. I'm not right today..

Thank you God that today is soon turning into tomorrow..

and hopefully I can bed the grief that is all consuming..

I KNOW I'm safe.. I KNOW my kids are safe..

 

 

 

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference. 

 

So Put on your Best Boys and I'll Wear My Pearls

Randomness... Again.. For the Upteenth Time.

I'm way too tired to even been typing or staring at this computer screen right now.

I'm too tired to sleep. 

Too Tired to dream. 

Too tired to do anything but lay wide awake in my bed. 

Yawning uncontrollably. 

But alas,

Here I am. 

Using my as usual poor grammer.

Bad Spelling 

and horrible writing skills on 

a blog full of absolutly nothing important. 

I just feel like writing.

Putting my disorganized Chaotic thoughts in print.

If I didnt get writers cramp so bad I would write in a journal.

my hands are tired from gardening today.

We planted 15 different varieties of vegetables today.

My fingernails are caked with dirt and I was far too lazy and sunburnt to shower.

Gross.

I know. 

I'll shower in the morning. 

I made potato salad for my husband

per his request to put in tupperware and take it with him to work tomorrow.

Its his favorite. 

It makes me feel really good that he loves what I cook for him.

Our marriage has been more on point in the last 3 months 

than it has been in the last 8 years.

We finally realize how much we want/need/love to be with eachother.

Which is a weird feeling.

I got married because it was the next step in our relationship.

We dated. Got pregnant. and couldnt really go anywhere 

 But up.

We are perfect...

He is perfect.

I quit my job 

and then my boss and bosses boss asked me to come back.

Said I was an "asset:" to the team.

It was a nice thought. 

I accepted. 

Tomorrow is my last day off before I work 5 in a row. 

I dont think I have ever worked 5 days in a row in my life! 

I hope I dont get too tired and cranky. 

No one needs that. 

especially me. 

Being cranky is overwhelming. 

Tiring

and just plain lame. 

so I will put my best foot forward 

and do my best to be happy. 

I need to smile more. 

Maybe it will make my double chin go away. 

Or not.

Who knows. 

On that note..

I'm going to try and not wake my husband up

with my uncontrollable snoring

that was suppose to get better when they 

fixed my deviated septum.

But got unexceptionably worse. 

Poor Jason. 

GOOD NIGHT MOON!

That's It! I quit! I'm moving on!!

I quit my job.

I hated it.

I cried. 

Yelled

Stressed

Grumped 

and Finally had enough.

So I quit.. 

and now I'm jobless

Motivation-less

and just plain lazy..

Go me!

about time.

MAy 17th cant come soon enough

Finally

Justice for Caylee. 

I cannot wait for this trial to start..

Caylee deserves justice..

 

 

Casey Deserves A fate worse than death

tired..

I'm feeling..

Tired 

But happy.

Overwhelmed with love

by my kids and husband.

So lucky to be a Mother.

Grateful for my mother

Grandmother

Mother-in-law

and sisters. 

MY kids are the reason why I breath

I am so lucky

Happy Mothers day everyone

Call your mom

Kiss you babies Mama

and be grateful for those in your life. 

goodnight all.