upage.. not downage

They uped my Effexor

and I am feeling soo much better

Its like a sigh of much needed relief.

I am able to function again

No more anxiety.

Debilitating Fear

Sounds of terror

Just normalcy.

Lightening Strikes..

and

I

Am

Dead

There is the most beautiful

thunderstorm happening out side

Its almost midnight

and I can't sleep

It been a Tumulteous weekend full of

Anxiety, Grief, Guilt,

The only thing that would ease the pain

would be

to be

taken into the clouds and electrified

With light..

The Clashing thunderous booms to follow.

And I would fall to the ground

Into a garden and wake up in heaven

with sunshine on my face.

Peace in my heart

and rest in my soul.

Knowing my babies owuld be safe

In the arms of their daddy

and his heart would be released of the

stresses I bring.

As I Lay me Down to Sleep



ugh..

I wish I didnt 

Hate

my life so much.. 

I just want to

Die.

   my life is being ruled by

everyone

but me

 

Feelings..

Today I feel..

Mournful

If you have never felt that way

let me give you an insight into

what it feels like..

I have been spending the last few weeks

horribly depressed..

Like a big grey cloud is hanging over me

and I'll I can feel on my face

is cold wet rain.

Desperate for sunshine..

Yester I felt

Happy..

Today,

I am mourning

the glimpse of happiness

Knowing its not going to come back for

a while..

I spend at least 90% of the year

Drowning in sadness..

and 10% of it happy.

Those days are few and far between.

Yesterday was one of those.

I was glad to be with my husband

Happy to be with my kids

and Exhilirated to know

I had made it to another happy day

If I can just harness the happiness

and use it all year.. maybe for 5 minutes

a day

I wouldnt be so miserable..

But here I am..

Grey Clouds in my forecast..

Until the next time..

I see sunshine.

realizations..

#1 Nothing is Ever as it seems

#2 I am never going to be happy.

Never.

Not because nothing makes me happy.

But because Emotionally I cannot

grasp the Emotion. 

#3 Death is becoming less of a joke to me

#4 We will never be who "they" want us to be

we will only be who we are

#5 Life isn't what you make of it.

Its what you Create it to be.

#6 My husband is amazingly amazing.

He will stand by me even when I am standing on 

the ledge about ready to jump off.

#7 I'm never going to be free of guilt

Guilt is the only true emotion I EVER feel.

Guilt because I was unable to change the past

Guilt for not standing up for her, when I knew No one else would

Guilt for allowing my emotions to override my brain

Guilt for Making him sick with grief because I can't be happy 

with who I am. 

#8 My children Might not always love me.

But NO matter What. I will love them

And they will always have a place to come home to when

life gets the best of them

#9 I might not be the best teacher,

But I love with abandon and my children with

realize my shortcomings come from love

#10 Anxiety takes over my brain. 

and I realized that Sometime I need it to.

It allows me to reboot and prioritize in order to make it stop. 

Anxiety is my Kryptonite. 

But unlike Superman. I can get back up

Happy Birthday Lucy

I

Love

Lucy



is

Finally writing that short story thats been floating around in my head for months..
Sections to come.. Be prepared for Greatness!!

Dear Alka-Seltzer

You fail me..

I have the worst cold

and you have not come to my aid.

Your Blue liquid that finds its home

in your Blue Liquid Gels 

Hold no Solace for me.

Your Green Liquid

Gives me no relief 

that sleep brings.. 

Your are no longer my friend.

and I no longer share my 

hard earned money

with your share holders..

In the wise words of Alfalfa..

"You are the scum between my toes"

Love,

 Kat