knowing what I know..

It makes me feel better

knowing that I have someone in my

life that has the same

Craziness in their head

as I do in mine..

It makes the my problems

seem alot more managable.

Thanks for being so honest..



Screaming to remember

With all of the craziness I have in my head all the time. 

The noise

The Death

The Fear

The struggle

Its really really easy to forget who and what I live and Breath for..

I got a great reminder tonight by a certain 5 year old.. 

Lady E: "Mom do you work tomorrow?"

Mom: "Yes I do from 8am-3pm"

Lady E: "Mom, thats a long day will you be to tired to have fun?"

Mom: "I'm never to tired to have fun with you and Xand"

Lady E; "Mom, When you get home let's clean the bathroom. Thats fun. 

I'll clean the toilet, brother can clean the shower and bath tub and you can 

clean the counter so you dont get too tired from all that working"

Mom; "Sounds like a good plan Sis"

Lady E: "I sure dont like it when you work, but I'm sure glad when you get home"

Mom: "sometimes a moms gotta do what a moms gotta do"

Lady E; "When I'm a mom, I'll gotta do what you gotta do. But you do a good job

So I think I'll be okay" 

Mom:" I KNOW you'll be okay"

Love you sis.. 

Love you mommy. 

See you tomorrow. 

Good night..

My children are the reason I breath

They literally are the air that gives me breath and 

the blood that makes my heart beat to sustain mylife another day. 

I am so grateful for their light

That shines through my darkness

and the Love that shatters barriers and allows me to be free

from my obsessions and fears.. 

Is it Fall yet?!

As much as I love the warmth of summer on my face

The taste of yummy summer vegetables

from my garden.

The Chirp of birds, 

the burn of the sun against my skin..

I long for 

I love my kids

But I love them more when they are at school!!!

I love it when I pick them up from their bus

and hug them and ask them how their day was

I love hearing there little feet running to the bus

I love getting report cards

and reminders of how smart they are.

I Dont love the

constant, 

"i'm hungry, I'm bored!!

This is me.. RIGHT NOW!!

welcome to summer Vacation..

Kill Me Now!!!!

word vomit

I feel like just throwing up words...

Just screaming them into my pillow..

Throwing them up and then watching them drown in the toilet.

I feel like writing them down and setting them ablaze..

Start the fire..

Feel the heat on my face

as my painful words 

turn to ash.

Ashes to send down the overflowing river

to a cold grave.

ashes to ashes.

Dust to dust.. 

Letting go of the hate in side me that the words 

You say bring. 

Weighing me down like an pair of led shoes in a deep ocean.

Pulling me into the darkness. impossible to get off. 

Losing are.. Suffocating by and ocean of 

hate.. a river of denial.. a Lake of self-pity..

YOU make me do this..

YOU make me want to cut into my legs 

YOU make me want to pull out my hair

YOU make me not sleep.

YOU make me want to die.. 

Struggling with words lately..

I'm at a loss of words today..

A million tiny word magnets are stuck to my soul

 but none of them forming complete sentences.. 

just fragments of fear

Loathing

hopelessness

My mind is like a buffet

full of bits of this and bits of that

when food is pilied high on a plate

it makes a meal

but when it is lying in the hotel pans with 

boiling water and steamed filled stress

they are just lonely bits of mushy over cooked word fragmants

Needy

Nosy

Hopeless

Sad

Overwhelmed

Unloved

Incapable

Prejiduce

but most importantly 

Scared

I need a brain hug..

someone to lift its spirit. 

To pull my thoughts out of the dark place they frequent

and into the light. 

Out of despair.

Into 

Hopefullness

If you died tomorrow..

What Legacy would you leave??

so..

Put on your best boys and I'll wear my pearls.

Thanks Audrey, for reminding me how Glamorous

Being a women can be..

I forget sometimes..

Who say's

Who Cares..

Shut your mouth

Your opinion holds no barring on who I am

Where I am going

and Who I will become.. 

Get?

Got it?

How to NOT Put my {scary} thoughts into action..

Or more appropriately titled.

 How to {Not} Commit a Murder/Suicide on a Sunday morning.. (or any morning for that matter)

My thoughts have been wildly out of control these last few weeks.

I am in constant Crippling fear of the most horrifying death imaginable..

MY Children Drowning in an over Flowing Freezing cold Fast moving river.

MY husband dying in his sleep, or in a car accident on his was home from work.

My Little sister being thrown down a flight of stairs to her doom.

MY older sister O.D. on some god forsaken drug that she hasnt touched in years..

My little brother being stabbed to death by a stranger looking for a fight.

ME. All Alone, Hulling myself up in a closet that only has one key.. and that key being lost..

Having to deal with the Anger, Sadness, Frailness, insecureness, hopelessness but most of all the Greif. The

Lonliness that comes with Loss.

I've gotten pretty good at holding it in. But today It has barreled down on me like a rogue wave, Waiting to

sweep me under the current and carry me into the abyss.

I realize the craziness in my head.. The thoughts that make me want to protect my family from the unknown..

ITs not right.. I'm not right today..

Thank you God that today is soon turning into tomorrow..

and hopefully I can bed the grief that is all consuming..

I KNOW I'm safe.. I KNOW my kids are safe..

 

 

 

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.