Social Media.

How much social media can one girl handle??

Penzu, (isn't really social but you know)

Pinterest

Facebook

Twitter

Tumblr

google+

seriously.. 

I think it's an addiction

I can't stop.

Someone send me a rope

A lifesaver

A floaty

A lighthouse.

Something.

I'm drowning in an ocean of 

Socialized Chaos!!

Honestly.

I'm usually so overwhelmed

Out of my mind

and out of control this time of year.

But strangely I feel at peace

I feel calm and in control..

Maybe it's the 300 mg Effexor and 10,000 ius of Vitamin D3

Whatever it is it's working!!! 

And I'm loving my life right now!

<3

The Road that Got me..

Here was a long 

winding road. 

It was narrow in places

and Wide with Baron land in others

There were Muddy Rivers

Ice cold lakes

And lots of Creatures from the woods

I'm making my way

one step at a time. 

and hoping I get where 

I need to stay. 

Go with my on my Journey to Grown.

I'm 26 now, I have 2 amazing kids

 a husband who is strong and Mighty

Meek and Mild

Lovely and Disgusting. 

But he holds my hand 

the whole way. 

No matter what I put him through.. 

I'm on my way out of the dense woods 

and Into the Light of the day. 

No Blog

Things have been looking up for me lately. 

Other than being horribly sick

Last weekend.

I really feel good. Not just Physically but emotionally

I lean on this blog when I'm down and Out.

For relief from the Waste Land 

My moods can be. 

So that's why I haven't been keeping up.

I feel good. 

I hope it lasts. 

Love 

Kat

Not knowing what is needed..

I'm Lost.. 

My brain has finally

managed to swallow

me whole.

My whole body...

Lost in the secret passageways

opening and closing 

the drawers and safes that 

have been tucked into all the dark corners of my mind.

knowing, that they shouldn't be open.

Remembering things that I thought weren't real

finding truths and witnessing the things that I have been hiding for so long..

I was triggered. 

MY stalker. 

The one who loosened the lug nuts on my car

when I was a junior in high school.

WEll I ran into him at 

Lowes.. 

I recognized his voice first

and then I turned around and I saw his face..

His horrible, scary face.

He smiled at me. 

And I turned around and grabbed my kids

and ran to my husband as fast as I could..

He knows I have kids now. 

and that scares me. 

All of the sudden I feel much less safe.. 

All of the sudden  I feel weak 

and control less over the power of my kids. 

I have an appointment with a psychiatrist next week. 

And I hope it helps me..

Because I am losing my freaking mind!!

Never Forget..

So many Lives Were Changed that day..

I know mine was..

Take a moment and listen to this.

Remember how you felt 10 years ago today

Remember what it felt like

When you saw those towers fall.

Remember what you thought

when you saw the pictures of Our 

Brothers and Sisters 

Digging each other out of the rubble

Remember the ringing in your ears

when you hear the word

Terrorist.

My life has never been the same.

My Children are going to only know

my memories.

God forbid they never have to experience something like this for themselves.

but through  history.

We know it's only a matter of time. 

Remember today.. 

Pray for our country. 

 

Who knew..

That every Damn thing we learned

in

Kindergarten

would be the most

important things we would EVER need to know

in our whole entire lives.

My Daughter Eliza went to Kindergarten this week.

She is so beautiful

Grown up

Brave

Intelligent

Witty.

She is {Mostly} a great friend

{and by mostly I mean if the people around her do what she wants them to do}

She is compassionate

Grateful

Proud

and Most of all

My very best friend in the whole world.

I miss her so much when she is at school for those 2 hours and 55 minutes.

anyway.

She was sent home today with all of her activity sheets that she did this week.

Her coloring pages

and number and letter tracings

her calender for the month

and notes from the teacher.

got this, and I NEVER in my life

looked at Kindergarten this way

but Its makes more sense to me

than breathing..

I hope you enjoy it..

by Robert Fulghum
- an excerpt from the book, All I Really Need To Know I Learned in Kindergarten

All I really need to know I learned in kindergarten.
ALL I REALLY NEED TO KNOW about how to live and what to do
and how to be I learned in kindergarten. Wisdom was not
at the top of the graduate-school mountain, but there in the
sandpile at Sunday School. These are the things I learned:

Share everything.
Play fair.
Don't hit people.
Put things back where you found them.
Clean up your own mess.
Don't take things that aren't yours.
Say you're sorry when you hurt somebody.
Wash your hands before you eat.
Flush.
Warm cookies and cold milk are good for you.
Live a balanced life - learn some and think some
and draw and paint and sing and dance and play
and work every day some.
Take a nap every afternoon.
When you go out into the world, watch out for traffic,
hold hands, and stick together.
Be aware of wonder.
Remember the little seed in the styrofoam cup:
The roots go down and the plant goes up and nobody
really knows how or why, but we are all like that.
Goldfish and hamsters and white mice and even
the little seed in the Styrofoam cup - they all die.
So do we.

And then remember the Dick-and-Jane books
and the first word you learned - the biggest
word of all - LOOK.



Everything you need to know is in there somewhere.
The Golden Rule and love and basic sanitation.
Ecology and politics and equality and sane living.

Take any of those items and extrapolate it into
sophisticated adult terms and apply it to your
family life or your work or your government or
your world and it holds true and clear and firm.
Think what a better world it would be if
all - the whole world - had cookies and milk about
three o'clock every afternoon and then lay down with
our blankies for a nap. Or if all governments
had a basic policy to always put thing back where
they found them and to clean up their own mess.

And it is still true, no matter how old you
are - when you go out into the world, it is best
to hold hands and stick together.

upage.. not downage

They uped my Effexor

and I am feeling soo much better

Its like a sigh of much needed relief.

I am able to function again

No more anxiety.

Debilitating Fear

Sounds of terror

Just normalcy.

Lightening Strikes..

and

I

Am

Dead

There is the most beautiful

thunderstorm happening out side

Its almost midnight

and I can't sleep

It been a Tumulteous weekend full of

Anxiety, Grief, Guilt,

The only thing that would ease the pain

would be

to be

taken into the clouds and electrified

With light..

The Clashing thunderous booms to follow.

And I would fall to the ground

Into a garden and wake up in heaven

with sunshine on my face.

Peace in my heart

and rest in my soul.

Knowing my babies owuld be safe

In the arms of their daddy

and his heart would be released of the

stresses I bring.

As I Lay me Down to Sleep



ugh..

I wish I didnt 

Hate

my life so much.. 

I just want to

Die.

   my life is being ruled by

everyone

but me

 

Feelings..

Today I feel..

Mournful

If you have never felt that way

let me give you an insight into

what it feels like..

I have been spending the last few weeks

horribly depressed..

Like a big grey cloud is hanging over me

and I'll I can feel on my face

is cold wet rain.

Desperate for sunshine..

Yester I felt

Happy..

Today,

I am mourning

the glimpse of happiness

Knowing its not going to come back for

a while..

I spend at least 90% of the year

Drowning in sadness..

and 10% of it happy.

Those days are few and far between.

Yesterday was one of those.

I was glad to be with my husband

Happy to be with my kids

and Exhilirated to know

I had made it to another happy day

If I can just harness the happiness

and use it all year.. maybe for 5 minutes

a day

I wouldnt be so miserable..

But here I am..

Grey Clouds in my forecast..

Until the next time..

I see sunshine.

realizations..

#1 Nothing is Ever as it seems

#2 I am never going to be happy.

Never.

Not because nothing makes me happy.

But because Emotionally I cannot

grasp the Emotion. 

#3 Death is becoming less of a joke to me

#4 We will never be who "they" want us to be

we will only be who we are

#5 Life isn't what you make of it.

Its what you Create it to be.

#6 My husband is amazingly amazing.

He will stand by me even when I am standing on 

the ledge about ready to jump off.

#7 I'm never going to be free of guilt

Guilt is the only true emotion I EVER feel.

Guilt because I was unable to change the past

Guilt for not standing up for her, when I knew No one else would

Guilt for allowing my emotions to override my brain

Guilt for Making him sick with grief because I can't be happy 

with who I am. 

#8 My children Might not always love me.

But NO matter What. I will love them

And they will always have a place to come home to when

life gets the best of them

#9 I might not be the best teacher,

But I love with abandon and my children with

realize my shortcomings come from love

#10 Anxiety takes over my brain. 

and I realized that Sometime I need it to.

It allows me to reboot and prioritize in order to make it stop. 

Anxiety is my Kryptonite. 

But unlike Superman. I can get back up

Happy Birthday Lucy

I

Love

Lucy



is

Finally writing that short story thats been floating around in my head for months..
Sections to come.. Be prepared for Greatness!!

Dear Alka-Seltzer

You fail me..

I have the worst cold

and you have not come to my aid.

Your Blue liquid that finds its home

in your Blue Liquid Gels 

Hold no Solace for me.

Your Green Liquid

Gives me no relief 

that sleep brings.. 

Your are no longer my friend.

and I no longer share my 

hard earned money

with your share holders..

In the wise words of Alfalfa..

"You are the scum between my toes"

Love,

 Kat

I hate days like today..

Feeling

hush a bye

Don't you cry



Amy Winehouse...

sad day  RIP

Dear Female Population........

Over the age of 8

Side Ponytails are for 

chidren and 80's pop stars..

Please refrain from them..

You look like an idiot..

you are not on the set of

Napoleon Dynamite

You are not wearing 

a Warm up suit

or Leg Warmers..

Please be kind 

to man kind

and center the pony

in the back of you head..

That Is all...

Please Leave a message after the beep..

I'm feeling completely disconnected

From my soul

Heart

Mind

Body

I feel overwhelmed with 

grief that I cannot trace back to the source

I am having nightmares

and bad dreams

Waking up in sweats scared to close my eyes 

too scared to be taken away 

into the night of my dreams

Where I am being 

chased by creatures of the night

and Death

Where the boat to the underworld

is ready for me to board.

I can feel myself dissengaging

Folding myself inward

hiding.

Dissassociation

dismissal of me

and the return of the scared little girl

I hide so well inside

I need a flashlight..

To shine the light on

What I know isnt really there..

I know I should be asleep..

But I cant give into it..